Who I've Been

Over the past year I've taken a back seat on social media. I tried to scroll less and posted only trivial items. In August 2018 my spirit felt a pull that God was telling me to come off social media; that it was taking up more space in my life than it should. At one point social media, and the likes, filled a hole in my identity, it was time for that part to be removed. Social media wasn't the first thing to fill that hole; it's been a process.

At the start of the decade I turned 21, a part of my soul was lost, hurting, and angry; I tried filling the hole with earthly things. To fill the whole for years, I was a player. The summer when I was 22 "the universe" (I didn't have a relationship with God yet) told me I needed to slow down. At 23 I was in a relationship but until I was about 25 I used shopping to fill this hole, if I had an extravagant outside people would like me and buying new things made me feel good. My finances took a hit, before I even believed in God he pulled me out. In 2013 I discovered Instagram and by 2014 I realized I could post pictures of interesting things instead of buying it and the likes would fill the hole. I went from a player, to a shopaholic, to a like-aholic, then in 2015 God found me and I started walking more purposefully. I did my best to post with purpose but everything needed a filter and some posts were for the likes; a reason to constantly check my phone and feel wanted. The need for likes decreased over the years but the want for them was still there.

Over the last few days I've gone over the past decade (or 7 years) of Instagram posts. I've deleted over 300 posts that weren't there with purpose. They were there just for the likes. As I deleted I remembered who I've been....

2013- I just started using Instagram, was still learning it's purpose, quite frankly all over the place (just like with life). I was also trying to be a writer... I had blogs all over the place.

2014- I started using Instagram to recover from being a shopaholic. I was heart broken yet trying to move on and love someone else. Reminding myself not to let the world make me bitter and unkind. I was an avid reader; still trying to be a writer/ blogger;, loved minions, and obsessed with Starbucks. I also started going to zumba and became a bit obsessed with myself.

2015- Still obsessed with myself and a bit cocky over it (Note to self: ask 2015 Kathleen for some cockiness for 2020 Kathleen... I've lost my edge.) By the beginning of 2015 something in my soul had grown overly angry and bitter; I thought I was kind but I really wasn't, anger was a part of my personality. Then God found me, in my most lonely, bitter state. I gave up on being a writer. Finally, gave in to teaching and gave it to God, I found a job teaching, fell madly in love with young children and to this day I still find myself asking God why me. Summer 2015 was the Summer of all things minion. I was still obsessed with books and Starbucks.

2016- Was less of an artificial posts year, instead was a year where I slowly found purpose and was so busy working I didn't have time to think about shopping. Minions still played a big part and I became interested in the beautiful nature around us.

2017- I lived my best teacher life and my best life in general. There were celebrations, sunrises, and a ton of flowers. It was also the year I heard God constantly and in the most unexpected ways. He was also preparing me for what was to come.

2018- Winnie the Pooh, my childhood friend, took up many of the posts. Ed Sheeran was next to take up the most posts. Flowers and sunrises were present to. It's also the year my mom got sick and I held on to God for dear life and her life. The enemy was always nipping at me, I remember telling myself to just keep my thoughts on God and if I sang songs of worship outside her hospital doorway the enemy couldn't have his way. Then I lost sight of God because I needed a "break". If I don't talk to God, nothing in my life can move. 2018 was a traumatic year God reminded me life gets hard when you're attempting to break chains and generational curses. 

2019- 2019 was a smooth year. I lived without the self-affirmation social media likes was giving me. I realized how much I would take a picture to post it on social media. This year I took pictures, left them in my phone or printed them. I did my best to live in the present and walk with a purpose that wasn't publicized.

Over the past decade I've learned anger doesn't solve anything, loving someone unconditionally is hard but worth it. My definition and expectation of friendship has been wired over the last five years; people are for me not against me. Even though it feels like it sometimes, I am never actually alone. There are people who love me unconditionally and God is always with me.

While I still scrolled and checked on friends' post, hopefully I start this year, and keep this year, no longer needing likes to remind me of my purpose. My posts will be less about how they fill me and more about how they can inspire someone else.